The Laws of Baby Physics

This post is in honour of the fact that I'm up at 2.30am with Izzy. It was written in response to my first daughter, KJ, and consequently the accompanying photos are all of that particular source of inspiration.


The Laws of Baby Physics


1. Baby is the centre of the known universe.

2. If parent attempts to do anything other than acknowledge Rule One, baby will take appropriate measures.

3. It may be little, but it is loud - at both ends.

4. If parent manages to curl up on the couch and drift off to sleep while baby is sleeping, baby will wake up.

5. If parent is on the verge of collapse due to exhaustion, baby will vomit on parent's pyjamas.

6. If parent and baby are running late for an important appointment, baby will poo, wee and vomit on clothes necessitating their hurried removal.  Baby will then cry all the way to the appointment, and vomit in the car seat upon arrival.

7. If baby is not displaying the correct developmental activity and parent is concerned enough to ask the local medical authority, the baby will then demonstrate that yes she can do it, nah, nah, nah.  The parent's response is usually accompanied by mild profanity.

8. When entertaining visitors baby will act angelic, dispersing any excuse for the horrid state of the house and the birds nesting in the parent's hair.

9. The moment visitors leave, baby will display all the effects of over-stimulation and explode.

10. If you plan it, those plans will self destruct immediately upon application.

11. All parental visits to the toilet and other necessary tasks will be accompanied by the soundtrack of screaming.  See rules One and Two.

12. The only sounds able to conquer the soundtrack of screaming is the flushing of the toilet, the soundproofing of the car, and a jet engine on full.  Those brief moments of escape can be of fleeting relief to parent.

13. The first mouthful of a solid meal will necessitate the evacuation of baby's bowels.  This will be accompanied by grunting and red eyebrows.

14. If it goes in orange, it comes out orange.

15. If it goes in white, it comes out orange.

16. Breastmilk is a drug.  It has been known to cause silence.  It also has violent withdrawal symptoms.

17. Parent is desperate for some time away from baby, but if leaves baby, spends all the time away from baby thinking about baby and wondering how baby is doing.  Also talks incessantly about baby to everyone in sight.

18. The cutting of the umbilical cord is an illusion.

19. Parent will do ANYTHING to see baby smile.

20. Children are designed to do to us, what we did to our parents.