Facets and Fractals: Lessons learnt during pregnancy

During the first few months of my eldest daughter's life I wrote 'The Laws of Baby Physics'. But that wasn't the first science class my daughter taught me (nor the last, 'Toddler Logic' is nearly complete). She was educating me from the moment she took up residence. This was the first piece she inspired. I wrote it while sixteen weeks pregnant. That was over three years ago now, and I've since been pregnant again and had her little sister, but that first time...there always has to be a first time :D

KJ, 20 weeks

1. There is nothing rational about pregnancy.

2. No matter how many books you read, no matter how many medical professionals tell you so, you will still think that if you push too hard on the toilet something might come out that shouldn't.

3. The baby is still there and daily ultrasounds are not needed to prove it.

4. Fundus hunting is a new sport. Note: baby is still there even if you can't find it.

5. Anything gooey is worth gagging about.

6. Yes, it is possible to double your bra size without the aid of chocolate cake.

7. Purchasing of new bras is not only a necessity, but a painful urgency.

KJ's face, 20 weeks

8. It's supposed to look like that.

9. Reading pregnancy books can be dangerous.

10. Reading books entitled 'What your mum never told you' can cause pre-natal depression and not a little amount of terror.

11. Being pregnant, nauseous and generally feeling like crap for the first 12 weeks and not being able to tell anyone why is torture.

12. Pregnancy was not designed with full-time work in mind.

13. All the pregnancy books tell you to lie down and sleep at work if you feel you need to. What planet are these writers from?

14. Pregnancy news equals hugs. I'm thinking my friends are more excited than I am. This is not a bad thing.

15. There is no subtle way to approach telling the news to anyone. It refuses to slip into casual conversation. Thank god for blabby friends.

16. It is finally permissible to have a belly.

17. Clothes shopping is forbidden because this summer, you're not going to fit into anything.

18. There is no food that can be eaten without guilt. Diabetic diet + pregnancy diet = I don't know what to eat anymore. Eating out is a minefield and all supermarkets are aiming to kill both me and my baby.

KJ & Izzy, two years apart, but still twins.

19. Everything you do affects your baby. See point 18. All that MSG I'm currently consuming is going to be the cause of baby's third leg.

20. Pregnancy is also a mental illness. And can be blamed for just about everything.

21. Irrationalities extend to examining your parents, your grandparents and every parent your family tree possesses. Most will be found lacking and you will immediately doubt your own abilities and blame them on genetics.

22. Genetics can not be fixed by killing one or both of your parents.

23. You sit and wait for one parent or another to pronounce the fateful words - 'I told you so'.

24. And then all your friends to recount just how screwed your life is now.

25. Control is an illusion.